My journey through postpartum depression

Once upon a time, I used to blog...and then I had a baby. It has been almost 4 years since my last post and I sort of felt done with my blogging journey. But, tonight I'm feeling compelled to write something. This post will not be cutsie, and full of quotes and pictures like my previous posts. And it may be full of typos, I have no intention of editing. It's 1 am. I am sitting on the bathroom floor, (the bathroom is my happy place these days) deep in thought.  I'm tired. But, I need to write. I have been thinking a lot about pain. I've been inspired to reflect on my own personal pain. As I have done so, I have discovered that my pain and suffering has softened my heart, and increased my ability to love, serve, and have true and real compassion for those who are in the midst of overwhelming pain.

 I want to tell you about the deepest pain and anguish I have ever felt. This is a scary post for me. But, I share in hopes of helping another who may be fighting a similar battle. My battle has a name, it's called postpartum depression, anxiety and OCD. Over the last few years, I felt as though I was walking through fire, I couldn't see anything, the pain was excruciating, I felt as though I was suffocating. There was no way out. Just billowing flames of hell. I was trying to find my way out desperately, frantically, and then I'd get tired. My mind would fail me, and I would wish I could be swallowed up by those flames. It was a never ending cycle of fighting, and giving up, all while enduring so much pain, and fear, and mental torment. I was truly being burned alive, from the inside out. During all of this, I held a baby, a baby who needed me, who relied on me. I feared this baby, or rather, I feared myself with this baby. Most days I didn't trust myself to keep him alive. My mind would turn on me with repetitive and scary thoughts. What if's raced through my brain constantly. It was a downward spiral. I would see glimpses of reality, I would catch my breath for just a moment only to be pulled back down by the instability of my own mind.

Tonight, I want to tell you that I made it though that fire. Though, there are times I can still feel the heat of those firey flames behind me, and clouds of smoke still billow making it hard to see the blue skies above--I am here, I am standing, and I am still fighting!

If you are standing in those hellish flames right now, don't give up. There is light, though you may not see it.  There is hope, though you may not feel it.

Looking back, I've often wondered, how I made it through. How am I still here? The answer is simple, I didn't make it through alone. I was carried. Carried through those flames by my loved ones, my earthly angels. God was there also. However, the darkness around me and my tired and fearful mind made it hard for me to feel His presence. But, He was always there, I can see that now.

Over the next few weeks, I plan to share more of my journey. I hope I can reach someone who is silently suffering. This is not a battle to be fought alone.

If you are a mommy who is living this right now. Stop fighting alone. Speak your fears. Ask for help. Know your limits. Let others carry you. And, refuse to feel guilt. Because your battle will be over soon and then it will be your turn to carry someone through their fire.

Whether you have been down the path of postpartum depression or not, take every opportunity you can to serve a fellow mommy. Don't ask, just serve. Don't wait for them to ask for help, just give them your heart, your time, your listening ear.

“Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together” 

Guest Blog #1

Yes, I do realize that it has been many, MANY months since my last post. I would like to tell you it is simply because I have been busy prioritizing. But, let the truth be told, I am STILL a chronic procrastinator. The important thing is that I have not, nor will I ever, give up my quest for the cure.

I have enlisted some fellow procrastinators to share their stories as they embark on the daily journey to overcoming  the, "Starting Monday Disorder".  My first guest blogger is my Aunt Kai, she is a busy mother of four who is trying desperately to conquer SMD.

"I am one of Chante’s greatest fans. I think she and everything she does is fabulous so I was thrilled when I saw that she had started a blog called “Starting Monday.” As I read her posts, I enjoyed her humor and experiences and insights.

But I’m more than just an enthusiastic fan. I am also Chante’s aunt. When Chante first started this new venture, I immediately recognized the disorder she was describing because it is something I too suffer from. (In fact, I harbor the secret fear that she inherited it from me – we being related and all.) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prepared a Relief Society or Sunday School or Primary lesson on Sunday morning. Or, how often I’ve scrambled to complete a project the night before I had promised to have it done. And that’s not even talking about the millions of Monday mornings that have come and gone without the promised diet/exercise regime/scripture reading/scheduled house cleaning/organizational plan taking place. I’m sure you can see why Chante’s blog would be of interest to me.

So, the other day as I was doing something I knew that I really shouldn’t be doing instead of doing something I knew I should be doing . . . . oh, fine! I might as well just confess! I was taking a nap! Okay? I was taking a nap when I knew I should be doing something more productive! (Sorry about the little rant. I also suffer from OAGC – over active guilt complex). So, anyhoo, as I snuggled down into my blanket I thought drowsily, “I really shouldn’t be taking a nap . . . . But I’ve been so tired lately . . . . I’m probably tired all the time because I’m out of shape . . . . If I exercised, I probably wouldn’t be tired all the time. . . . Instead of napping, I should get up and exercise . . . . But I really don’t want to exercise, I want to nap . . . . I really need to start exercising . . . . I know it would help me feel better . . . . But I’m really too tired today . . . . I’ll start Monday.”

With that last thought, Chante and her blog popped into my head and realized that I hadn’t seen a posting in a while. “Oh dear,” I mused, “maybe she is suffering from a flare-up of her procrastination disorder. It’s probably really hard to maintain a regular blog.” I drifted a little then this great idea came to me, “What she should do is occasionally ask guest bloggers to contribute! Then she wouldn’t feel so much pressure.” Probably nothing but the prospect of helping my niece could extract me from my warm blanket so I roused myself and grabbed my cell phone in order to text this idea to her. After a few moments she texted back, “You know what’s funny? I had the exact idea several months ago … I think I asked the wrong procrastinators to write. With that said, I would love for you to start us off with a post!”

Well, I guess I should have seen THAT one coming!

But, being the supportive aunt/fan that I am, I cannot let Chante down so I’ve written this little guest blog. I have no advice or counsel or tips or encouragement to give - I suffer too deeply from the syndrome myself. I would, on the other hand, LOVE to hear advice, council, tips, and encouragement from you readers. As you can see from what I’ve written, I could really use the help!"

 

 

Have I done any good?

“Every day you have the opportunity to learn and experience some-thing and some-one new. Seize the opportunity. Learn and experience everything you can, and use it to change the world.”
-Rodney Williams

If your life is anything like mine, you may feel like you are the star of a one woman circus. There are days when I feel like I am walking the tightrope, while juggling 117 (give or take) balls, swinging on a trapeze, jumping through hoops of fire and being the pooper scooper of an elephant ALL while trying to smile, stay calm and look pretty!!! Honestly, how is a person supposed to get everything done with out slipping off the tightrope, and falling hopelessly to the ground? To avoid that painful fall we, naturally, have to pick and choose what we can juggle in a day. Some days I can handle more than others. Nevertheless, there is ALWAYS something that simply has to wait. Choices, choices, choices... oh, how I despise making decisions! I suppose if it were choosing between a day at the spa and cleaning out the refrigerator it would be simple. However, my choices are never that clear cut.
Today, as I sat trying to plan out my hectic weekend full of rehearsals, new choreography, family gatherings, Dr. appointments, chores, meetings and more, I started feeling a bit overwhelmed. I thought I had better email myself my new to do list while I still had it in my mind. When I opened my email, there was a message from a name I did not recognize. I hesitated before opening the email, and was relieved and a bit surprised to find a beautiful message from a woman who had also recently lost a child. Her words were touching and full of love and comfort. Suddenly, my to do list seemed so unimportant now. How I desperately had needed to hear her words of encouragement. Following that email was, yet, another message. This message was telling me I had a new comment on my blog. I logged on to find that there was another women who had also lost her son. She too wrote a sweet and uplifting message. I have never met these woman in my life. Yet, somehow they fit ME into their list of things to do. These are mothers, who I am sure are walking a tightrope of their own, and somehow they made a little bit of time to give to someone else. My heart is overflowing with gratitude right now. For some reason those two woman made my day at the circus seem a little bit less overwhelming. Maybe they didn't take any of my juggling balls or scoop up my elephant's poop, but their kind words helped me to feel more capable of facing my balancing act.

*Discovery #1
There is one thing that should NEVER wait until Monday, and that is taking the time to give a little bit of ourselves to those around us. A smile, a hug, an "I love you", or maybe even a few kind words to someone in need. We should ALWAYS find the time in our busy schedules to lift, help or serve another. This is where we will find happiness, joy and most importantly-- sanity.

Discovery #2: Often times it is the smallest acts of kindess that mean the very most.

 
"Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad? If not, I have failed indeed..."
-Will L. Thompson

The Courage to Change

"The Jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap!"

~ Mary Anne Radmacher

I realize that it has been a while since my last post, but I can assure you that it was not due to procrastination. I have been working really hard on prioritizing and unfortunately, updating my blog was not top priority.

I have learned so many life lessons the last few months. I am finding that many times these lessons do not come wrapped in pretty pink packages; rather, they are handed to us in the form of a trial, tribulation, or even a tragedy.  This Wednesday it will have been seven months since my son passed away.  That was the day I honestly thought my life had ended - I knew in that moment that I had nothing more to live for.  Thankfully, I have discovered and been reminded of many, many things that bring me joy and help me to keep going.  Hope for the future is one thing that I cannot let go of - without that hope I would find myself utterly lost.

 

Last week I was busy dreaming of the day when I will be able to have another baby (this is a usual daily activity).  I looked in the mirror at my stretch marks, or battle scars as I like to call them, and said to myself, "Body, hurry up and heal so I can have another baby".  As I continued to examine my not so flat tummy and the large scar the marked where my tumor was removed only three short months ago, a sick feeling came over me.  The question popped into my mind... What am I doing to help my body heal?!?!?!  There I stood, thirty pounds heavier and thirty pounds more out of shape than I had been in my whole life.  How did I get here?  When did I give up and give in?  I started trying to calm myself by listing off excuses such as: you just had a baby, or you are still swollen from surgery, or you haven't been able to exercise, or life has been really hard and you needed all of that comfort food.  WRONG!!  

It has been said that "A man who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else".  My translation: Excuses make you fat, excuses make you depressed, excuses make you useless, excuses make you everything you don't want to be. By making excuses for myself I am steadily sailing in the opposite direction of what I really want.  I want to have a healthy body that can carry a healthy baby.  I want to look in the mirror and feel proud of my accomplishments rather than depressed.  I want to run, dance, and play without feeling like I am being suffocated!  I want to live a long life with my sweet husband.  My excuses are fully blocking my path to being a successful dreamer.

So, why is going after what we want in life so scary at times?  It is scary because we are fearful of failure.  Sometimes it is easier not to try than to try and fail.  Some of us fear leaving our comfort zone or giving up our momentary pleasures.

I really like my nightly ritual of drinking hot chocolate and watching Desperate House Wives; I enjoy eating baked goods with my sister; I am thrilled by Sees candy adventures with my mom; I love eating out over taking the time to cook a meal; and frankly, I am scared to death to go to the gym.  Let's be honest here, gyms are often just a runway displaying bootie shorts and sports bras, not really my cup of tea right now.  As I look at all of the things I have listed above they seem to be pretty ridiculous road blocks to achieving what I really want.  How is it that my fear of giving up my cup of hot chocolate, Sees candy, and baked goods is greater than my fear of cancer, diabetes, or heart disease?  How is it that pampering my insecurities is more important to me than getting healthy?  Why would I let anything stand in the way of being able to carry a healthy baby and raise that child to adulthood?  My body is literally my most precious possession, so why do I treat it so poorly?

I am terrified to embark on this journey of taking care of myself, but I am more determined than ever.  I deserve this!  I am done selling myself short! Not to say I won't stumble and fall or even flat out fail at times.  As Anne Shirley once said, "Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing".  So, I will try... I am committing right here and now to take care of and cherish the body God gave me.  I have a long way to go but I am so ready to take the first step.  I challenge you to come with me on this journey and not "starting Monday" but right this moment.

"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'".

~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Discovery #3: Your comfort zone is often the most dangerous place to stand.

One step closer...

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

So, here it is another Monday. The most terrifying day of the week for someone who suffers from SMD (Starting Monday Disorder). This is the day I usually set aside to conquer the world, finding only to end the day in utter disappointment. Yet, this Monday is just a little bit different. Though, I currently have a to do list 25 miles long, I am still living off of the high of starting something on a Saturday! I feel quite proud of myself at this moment.

However, I can’t lie to you; I have to be totally honest if I am going to find a cure for my illness of chronic procrastination.  I have been paralyzed by the immense pressure to not procrastinate. What a paradox!  I suppose I didn’t really realize the task I was taking on when I said I was ready to live each day in the moment. I woke up Sunday morning thinking “where on earth do I start?!?!” I had so much to do I couldn’t possibly fit it all in one day.  Okay, Procrastination is a literal addiction, you can’t just stop cold turkey…this is a process.   

So, where to start??  At 2:00am this morning it occurred to me. (Now, please do not judge the simplicity of my mind.) I realized… maybe for the first time, that I am not superwoman!  I can’t fulfill every dream, finish every project, organize every mess, and learn every lesson all in one day.  This leads me to discovery # 2: Life is about prioritizing; we really can do everything we dream of, just not all at once. 

This inspired me to reevaluate my “to do list”, or rather my list of dreams.  As I looked at my list, I came to the conclusion, that all of my dreams require me to be strong mentally, physically and emotionally.  Thus, my answer of where to start was as straightforward as it comes; I have to start with me.  I created a simple list of how I will begin my journey to becoming a successful dreamer.

Decide my daily priorities

Read my scriptures

Exercise

Acknowledge my progress

Make my meals healthy

Slumber for at least 8 hours a night

Now's the time...

"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow...after all, tomorrow is another day."

~Miss Scarlett O'Hara (Gone With the Wind)

  

My whole life I have had to fight the dread disease of procrastination, or as I like to call - SMD or "Starting Monday Disorder". I have lived by Miss O'Hara's motto for so long, I have almost forgotten what it means to do something NOW. After years and years of telling myself "I'll just start on this paper tomorrow", "Starting on Monday, I'll eat healthier", "Okay, tomorrow I am going to get organized", "I really am going to start exercising first thing Monday morning", "I'll start on my taxes this coming Monday"," I'm going to get the house cleaned tomorrow", "Starting Monday I am going to stop putting things off" I am now ready to live today and every day of the week - not just on Mondays and tomorrows.  I am sure you are wondering what actually happened when Monday came around or tomorrow became today.  Well, I'll tell you - a whole big bunch of self inflicted STRESS. I would be so overwhelmed over all that I had set aside to do on Monday, I would find myself rehearsing the words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow".

My disorder inspired me to write a self help book entitled Starting Monday.  I figured that I could help the masses by divulging the simple solution to overcoming procrastination.  After about a year of saying, "I will start writing Starting Monday on Monday", I figured maybe I had better discover that simple solution for myself before I attempted writing a book that would have no end and no resolution. So, I am ready to embark on a journey of discovery. I plan on setting goals and actually reaching them; I plan on facing life's tasks right when they are presented to me. So, here I am, on a SATURDAY afternoon, determined to start this project now, right this very moment, on Saturday, and not on Monday! I plan on writing about every new awakening, each fresh insight, and the novel discoveries that I gain in this process.  So, please join me on my  journey to a new action-filled, energetic, get-things-done life.  Feel free to add any insight that you may have.

  

* My first discovery: If I follow Scarlett O'Hara's motto, my life will literally be Gone with the Wind.

* My new motto: "Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today."

~Thomas Jefferson