The Courage to Change

"The Jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap!"

~ Mary Anne Radmacher

I realize that it has been a while since my last post, but I can assure you that it was not due to procrastination. I have been working really hard on prioritizing and unfortunately, updating my blog was not top priority.

I have learned so many life lessons the last few months. I am finding that many times these lessons do not come wrapped in pretty pink packages; rather, they are handed to us in the form of a trial, tribulation, or even a tragedy.  This Wednesday it will have been seven months since my son passed away.  That was the day I honestly thought my life had ended - I knew in that moment that I had nothing more to live for.  Thankfully, I have discovered and been reminded of many, many things that bring me joy and help me to keep going.  Hope for the future is one thing that I cannot let go of - without that hope I would find myself utterly lost.

 

Last week I was busy dreaming of the day when I will be able to have another baby (this is a usual daily activity).  I looked in the mirror at my stretch marks, or battle scars as I like to call them, and said to myself, "Body, hurry up and heal so I can have another baby".  As I continued to examine my not so flat tummy and the large scar the marked where my tumor was removed only three short months ago, a sick feeling came over me.  The question popped into my mind... What am I doing to help my body heal?!?!?!  There I stood, thirty pounds heavier and thirty pounds more out of shape than I had been in my whole life.  How did I get here?  When did I give up and give in?  I started trying to calm myself by listing off excuses such as: you just had a baby, or you are still swollen from surgery, or you haven't been able to exercise, or life has been really hard and you needed all of that comfort food.  WRONG!!  

It has been said that "A man who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else".  My translation: Excuses make you fat, excuses make you depressed, excuses make you useless, excuses make you everything you don't want to be. By making excuses for myself I am steadily sailing in the opposite direction of what I really want.  I want to have a healthy body that can carry a healthy baby.  I want to look in the mirror and feel proud of my accomplishments rather than depressed.  I want to run, dance, and play without feeling like I am being suffocated!  I want to live a long life with my sweet husband.  My excuses are fully blocking my path to being a successful dreamer.

So, why is going after what we want in life so scary at times?  It is scary because we are fearful of failure.  Sometimes it is easier not to try than to try and fail.  Some of us fear leaving our comfort zone or giving up our momentary pleasures.

I really like my nightly ritual of drinking hot chocolate and watching Desperate House Wives; I enjoy eating baked goods with my sister; I am thrilled by Sees candy adventures with my mom; I love eating out over taking the time to cook a meal; and frankly, I am scared to death to go to the gym.  Let's be honest here, gyms are often just a runway displaying bootie shorts and sports bras, not really my cup of tea right now.  As I look at all of the things I have listed above they seem to be pretty ridiculous road blocks to achieving what I really want.  How is it that my fear of giving up my cup of hot chocolate, Sees candy, and baked goods is greater than my fear of cancer, diabetes, or heart disease?  How is it that pampering my insecurities is more important to me than getting healthy?  Why would I let anything stand in the way of being able to carry a healthy baby and raise that child to adulthood?  My body is literally my most precious possession, so why do I treat it so poorly?

I am terrified to embark on this journey of taking care of myself, but I am more determined than ever.  I deserve this!  I am done selling myself short! Not to say I won't stumble and fall or even flat out fail at times.  As Anne Shirley once said, "Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing".  So, I will try... I am committing right here and now to take care of and cherish the body God gave me.  I have a long way to go but I am so ready to take the first step.  I challenge you to come with me on this journey and not "starting Monday" but right this moment.

"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'".

~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Discovery #3: Your comfort zone is often the most dangerous place to stand.

One step closer...

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

So, here it is another Monday. The most terrifying day of the week for someone who suffers from SMD (Starting Monday Disorder). This is the day I usually set aside to conquer the world, finding only to end the day in utter disappointment. Yet, this Monday is just a little bit different. Though, I currently have a to do list 25 miles long, I am still living off of the high of starting something on a Saturday! I feel quite proud of myself at this moment.

However, I can’t lie to you; I have to be totally honest if I am going to find a cure for my illness of chronic procrastination.  I have been paralyzed by the immense pressure to not procrastinate. What a paradox!  I suppose I didn’t really realize the task I was taking on when I said I was ready to live each day in the moment. I woke up Sunday morning thinking “where on earth do I start?!?!” I had so much to do I couldn’t possibly fit it all in one day.  Okay, Procrastination is a literal addiction, you can’t just stop cold turkey…this is a process.   

So, where to start??  At 2:00am this morning it occurred to me. (Now, please do not judge the simplicity of my mind.) I realized… maybe for the first time, that I am not superwoman!  I can’t fulfill every dream, finish every project, organize every mess, and learn every lesson all in one day.  This leads me to discovery # 2: Life is about prioritizing; we really can do everything we dream of, just not all at once. 

This inspired me to reevaluate my “to do list”, or rather my list of dreams.  As I looked at my list, I came to the conclusion, that all of my dreams require me to be strong mentally, physically and emotionally.  Thus, my answer of where to start was as straightforward as it comes; I have to start with me.  I created a simple list of how I will begin my journey to becoming a successful dreamer.

Decide my daily priorities

Read my scriptures

Exercise

Acknowledge my progress

Make my meals healthy

Slumber for at least 8 hours a night

Now's the time...

"I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow...after all, tomorrow is another day."

~Miss Scarlett O'Hara (Gone With the Wind)

  

My whole life I have had to fight the dread disease of procrastination, or as I like to call - SMD or "Starting Monday Disorder". I have lived by Miss O'Hara's motto for so long, I have almost forgotten what it means to do something NOW. After years and years of telling myself "I'll just start on this paper tomorrow", "Starting on Monday, I'll eat healthier", "Okay, tomorrow I am going to get organized", "I really am going to start exercising first thing Monday morning", "I'll start on my taxes this coming Monday"," I'm going to get the house cleaned tomorrow", "Starting Monday I am going to stop putting things off" I am now ready to live today and every day of the week - not just on Mondays and tomorrows.  I am sure you are wondering what actually happened when Monday came around or tomorrow became today.  Well, I'll tell you - a whole big bunch of self inflicted STRESS. I would be so overwhelmed over all that I had set aside to do on Monday, I would find myself rehearsing the words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow".

My disorder inspired me to write a self help book entitled Starting Monday.  I figured that I could help the masses by divulging the simple solution to overcoming procrastination.  After about a year of saying, "I will start writing Starting Monday on Monday", I figured maybe I had better discover that simple solution for myself before I attempted writing a book that would have no end and no resolution. So, I am ready to embark on a journey of discovery. I plan on setting goals and actually reaching them; I plan on facing life's tasks right when they are presented to me. So, here I am, on a SATURDAY afternoon, determined to start this project now, right this very moment, on Saturday, and not on Monday! I plan on writing about every new awakening, each fresh insight, and the novel discoveries that I gain in this process.  So, please join me on my  journey to a new action-filled, energetic, get-things-done life.  Feel free to add any insight that you may have.

  

* My first discovery: If I follow Scarlett O'Hara's motto, my life will literally be Gone with the Wind.

* My new motto: "Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today."

~Thomas Jefferson