The Courage to Change

"The Jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become, I will close my eyes and leap!"

~ Mary Anne Radmacher

I realize that it has been a while since my last post, but I can assure you that it was not due to procrastination. I have been working really hard on prioritizing and unfortunately, updating my blog was not top priority.

I have learned so many life lessons the last few months. I am finding that many times these lessons do not come wrapped in pretty pink packages; rather, they are handed to us in the form of a trial, tribulation, or even a tragedy.  This Wednesday it will have been seven months since my son passed away.  That was the day I honestly thought my life had ended - I knew in that moment that I had nothing more to live for.  Thankfully, I have discovered and been reminded of many, many things that bring me joy and help me to keep going.  Hope for the future is one thing that I cannot let go of - without that hope I would find myself utterly lost.

 

Last week I was busy dreaming of the day when I will be able to have another baby (this is a usual daily activity).  I looked in the mirror at my stretch marks, or battle scars as I like to call them, and said to myself, "Body, hurry up and heal so I can have another baby".  As I continued to examine my not so flat tummy and the large scar the marked where my tumor was removed only three short months ago, a sick feeling came over me.  The question popped into my mind... What am I doing to help my body heal?!?!?!  There I stood, thirty pounds heavier and thirty pounds more out of shape than I had been in my whole life.  How did I get here?  When did I give up and give in?  I started trying to calm myself by listing off excuses such as: you just had a baby, or you are still swollen from surgery, or you haven't been able to exercise, or life has been really hard and you needed all of that comfort food.  WRONG!!  

It has been said that "A man who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else".  My translation: Excuses make you fat, excuses make you depressed, excuses make you useless, excuses make you everything you don't want to be. By making excuses for myself I am steadily sailing in the opposite direction of what I really want.  I want to have a healthy body that can carry a healthy baby.  I want to look in the mirror and feel proud of my accomplishments rather than depressed.  I want to run, dance, and play without feeling like I am being suffocated!  I want to live a long life with my sweet husband.  My excuses are fully blocking my path to being a successful dreamer.

So, why is going after what we want in life so scary at times?  It is scary because we are fearful of failure.  Sometimes it is easier not to try than to try and fail.  Some of us fear leaving our comfort zone or giving up our momentary pleasures.

I really like my nightly ritual of drinking hot chocolate and watching Desperate House Wives; I enjoy eating baked goods with my sister; I am thrilled by Sees candy adventures with my mom; I love eating out over taking the time to cook a meal; and frankly, I am scared to death to go to the gym.  Let's be honest here, gyms are often just a runway displaying bootie shorts and sports bras, not really my cup of tea right now.  As I look at all of the things I have listed above they seem to be pretty ridiculous road blocks to achieving what I really want.  How is it that my fear of giving up my cup of hot chocolate, Sees candy, and baked goods is greater than my fear of cancer, diabetes, or heart disease?  How is it that pampering my insecurities is more important to me than getting healthy?  Why would I let anything stand in the way of being able to carry a healthy baby and raise that child to adulthood?  My body is literally my most precious possession, so why do I treat it so poorly?

I am terrified to embark on this journey of taking care of myself, but I am more determined than ever.  I deserve this!  I am done selling myself short! Not to say I won't stumble and fall or even flat out fail at times.  As Anne Shirley once said, "Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing".  So, I will try... I am committing right here and now to take care of and cherish the body God gave me.  I have a long way to go but I am so ready to take the first step.  I challenge you to come with me on this journey and not "starting Monday" but right this moment.

"Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow'".

~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Discovery #3: Your comfort zone is often the most dangerous place to stand.