Once upon a time, I used to blog...and then I had a baby. It has been almost 4 years since my last post and I sort of felt done with my blogging journey. But, tonight I'm feeling compelled to write something. This post will not be cutsie, and full of quotes and pictures like my previous posts. And it may be full of typos, I have no intention of editing. It's 1 am. I am sitting on the bathroom floor, (the bathroom is my happy place these days) deep in thought. I'm tired. But, I need to write. I have been thinking a lot about pain. I've been inspired to reflect on my own personal pain. As I have done so, I have discovered that my pain and suffering has softened my heart, and increased my ability to love, serve, and have true and real compassion for those who are in the midst of overwhelming pain.
I want to tell you about the deepest pain and anguish I have ever felt. This is a scary post for me. But, I share in hopes of helping another who may be fighting a similar battle. My battle has a name, it's called postpartum depression, anxiety and OCD. Over the last few years, I felt as though I was walking through fire, I couldn't see anything, the pain was excruciating, I felt as though I was suffocating. There was no way out. Just billowing flames of hell. I was trying to find my way out desperately, frantically, and then I'd get tired. My mind would fail me, and I would wish I could be swallowed up by those flames. It was a never ending cycle of fighting, and giving up, all while enduring so much pain, and fear, and mental torment. I was truly being burned alive, from the inside out. During all of this, I held a baby, a baby who needed me, who relied on me. I feared this baby, or rather, I feared myself with this baby. Most days I didn't trust myself to keep him alive. My mind would turn on me with repetitive and scary thoughts. What if's raced through my brain constantly. It was a downward spiral. I would see glimpses of reality, I would catch my breath for just a moment only to be pulled back down by the instability of my own mind.
Tonight, I want to tell you that I made it though that fire. Though, there are times I can still feel the heat of those firey flames behind me, and clouds of smoke still billow making it hard to see the blue skies above--I am here, I am standing, and I am still fighting!
If you are standing in those hellish flames right now, don't give up. There is light, though you may not see it. There is hope, though you may not feel it.
Looking back, I've often wondered, how I made it through. How am I still here? The answer is simple, I didn't make it through alone. I was carried. Carried through those flames by my loved ones, my earthly angels. God was there also. However, the darkness around me and my tired and fearful mind made it hard for me to feel His presence. But, He was always there, I can see that now.
Over the next few weeks, I plan to share more of my journey. I hope I can reach someone who is silently suffering. This is not a battle to be fought alone.
If you are a mommy who is living this right now. Stop fighting alone. Speak your fears. Ask for help. Know your limits. Let others carry you. And, refuse to feel guilt. Because your battle will be over soon and then it will be your turn to carry someone through their fire.
Whether you have been down the path of postpartum depression or not, take every opportunity you can to serve a fellow mommy. Don't ask, just serve. Don't wait for them to ask for help, just give them your heart, your time, your listening ear.
“Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together”
